Hurts so Good
by Gamer-Alexis
Summary: Dean has given up on ever finding the love he desires.  Instead he has chosen to live with this ache in his heart.  Castiel wonders what he has to do to help heal Dean's pain.  Small spoilers for all seasons


A/N. Requesting from my Tumblr as a prize story!

Dean remembers. Just because he doesn't admit to it didn't make it any less true. He remembers the exact moment he fell in love with the angel. It certainly wasn't when they first met in the warehouse (though that had some influence). No. It was after Sam jumped into the pit and Castiel came back- and the first thing he did was completely heal Dean.

Unfortunately, Dean had made a promise and he went to live with Lisa. It was a good year, a normal year, but deep down somewhere, Dean knew that he wanted to be with Castiel. When he was alone it was all he could think about. He remembers when Castiel first turned human- losing the final bits of grace he had. He remembers taking Cas to the brothel- but looking back on that memory Dean is glad Cas didn't get it on with Chastity. He remembers when he first took Castiel out after Sam had left- his innocence, which was then annoying, was now more endearing. Even when Castiel was at his worse, he still managed to brighten Dean's day.

And now they were all back together, him, Sammy, and Castiel. But all that time away must've done something because Cas was back to being all good-soldier-boy angel again.

"It's a simple hunt," Sam was saying, "Probably just an angry spirit."

"Good," Dean replied, "I could use a break from all this crap about the Mother of All."

"Well hopefully this isn't something involving her, but I don't know yet."

Dean sighed and collapsed onto his bed, making absent patterns in the ceiling. He had it bad for Cas.

"Hey, I'm gonna grab a bite to eat, want something?" Sam stood, pulling on his jacket.

"Just the usual," Dean said, still staring at the ceiling, "And _do not_ forget the pie this time."

"Whatever," Sam rolled his eyes, "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"Psh, Sammy, what do you take me for?"

"An idiot," Sam replied.

"Bitch!" Dean called out to Sam's retreating back.

"Jerk!" he said back without hesitation.

The door slammed shut and Dean sighed in loneliness. This whole "being in love" business didn't suit him at all. When you weren't in love it was easy to just get what you want and not have to worry about anything else. Simple no strings attached sex. But you add love into the picture and suddenly everything changes. It was supposed to feel good, but if Dean was honest with himself, love hurts. It hurts to not be with Castiel, it hurts to have him so close and yet be unable to touch him, it hurts to know that Castiel will never be his (angel and all that), but most of all it hurts that Dean can't do a damn thing about it.

A small gust of wind and a fluttering of wings is all the warning he gets before he feels another body standing in the room. He doesn't open his eyes, knowing that Castiel will be standing only feet away, staring at him with those sex eyes. That was the last thing Dean needed to see right now.

"Dean."

And he definitely didn't need to hear Cas's hoarse voice that sounded like he'd been slammed into a mattress all night long.

"What do you want Cas?"

"You're in pain," Cas said simply.

"What are you talking about?" Dean asked, still not looking at Castiel.

"Dean, I can see your soul," Castiel said, "It would be pointless to lie to me."

Dean was silent.

"You are hurting," Castiel's voice was soft but still rough, "There is this agony in you, but I see no signs of physical hurt. I don't understand how to help."

"And why would you want to help me Cas?" Dean demanded, he snapped his eyes opened and turned to face the angel, feeling his heart hammering as he did so, "Why would an angel care about me? Why would an angel, busy with his own civil war in heaven, want to help me?"

"I raised you from hell all those years ago," Castiel said, his voice getting defensive, "And though you may no longer bear the mark of my grace upon your flesh, I still feel bound to you and I still feel the need to protect and help you."

"Well you can't help me with this one," Dean shook his head, "No one can."

"I'm an angel, Dean. I can help."

"No Cas, you can't."

"That is because you won't let me."

"No, you _can't_!" Dean shouted, standing up, "Dammit Cas, you can't help me with this."

"Is it because you won't let me?" Castiel asked, completely unfazed by Dean's outburst.

"No, you can't help because you're an angel," Dean said honestly.

"Try me."

Dean stared at Castiel. The angels blue eyes shone bright, filled with a passion that Dean hadn't realized was gone. There was no way the hunter was going to tell Castiel what he wanted. Dean could never tell him exactly what hurt so bad. He couldn't let Cas know how in love he was with the angel.

"Alright," Dean said, sitting back down on the bed, "Do you know what it's like to be in love? To want something so bad it aches? But knowing you can't have it is even worse?"

Castiel was silent. Dean sighed and laid backwards again, sprawling across the scratchy bedsheets, ignoring the sounds coming from the next room.

"Yes," Cas said, so soft that Dean thought he was imagining it.

"Come again?"

"Yes," the angel repeated, "I know what it feels like. I couldn't put the feeling into words, but I know what feeling you are speaking of."

"Who is it?" Dean asked, closing his eyes, pushing down his jealously.

He sensed more than felt Castiel crawl onto the bed next to him. A hand traced up his chest before cupping his cheek and turning his head. Dean opened his eyes to see deep, blue eyes staring into his own.

"I once saved a man from hell," Castiel said, "And I was given charge to watch over him, protect him, and keep him alive. However I began to grow fond of this man, and I was punished. It was then I realized that there was a hole in my life where this man used to stand. I fell from grace, gave up everything for this man. I watched him exceed all my expectations, I watched him rise to his fullest potential. I watched him love and lust after women of all beauties. I kept a special eye out when he found a family. And somewhere in there I have fallen in love with this man, but I could never have him. As much as it pains me to let him go, it is much easier than trying to hold on to something that isn't there."

Dean was speechless. He wished he had a remark, a reply, anything to say back to Castiel, but after that speech, there wasn't much to say.

So Dean acted.

In one surge forward Dean pressed his lips to Castiel's. The soft warmth that has been teasing him for years finally enveloped him and Cas pulled him closer, his hand pulling at the hairs of Dean's neck. Their mouths parted, opened for each other, eager for what they had been longing for for so long.

And suddenly, the world was right.

The ache in Dean's chest, instead if dissipating, grew. He longed for more. More skin, more contact, more movement, more _Cas_.

"Love you," Cas gasped, pulling his mouth away from Dean's and moving it to the hunter's neck, "Loved you for so long."

Dean groaned, pulling at Castiel's hair, "Love you too," was all he managed before falling into complete and utter incoherency.

"Still hurts," Castiel muttered, having retained his ability to speak, "Your soul."

Dean responded by sliding his hands beneath the trench coat and shirt to run his hands across the smooth skin.

"It means I'm feeling alive," Dean whispered, managing to find his voice again, "Hurts so good... finally alive... finally have you."

Castiel moved his hands from the back of Dean's neck and framed his elegant fingers around Dean's face. He leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together.

"You've always had me," Castiel whispered. His voice was soft and intimate and Dean felt a well of emotion build up inside him. A warmth spread throughout his chest as he looked into the wide honest eyes of the angel, his angel.

It was like seeing the light for the first time.


End file.
